Анекдоты на английском языке

Анекдот на английском языке Aspirin Remedy (Средство от аспирина)

Jane called the doctor in a panic. "Doctor, doctor! My little Jimmy
Джейн позвонила доктору в панике. "Доктор, доктор! Мой маленький Джимми

swallowed a dozen aspirin. What should I do?"
проглотил дюжину таблеток аспирина. Что мне делать? 

The doctor asked Jane, "Are you sure it was a dozen?"
Доктор спросил у Джейн: "Вы уверены, это их была дюжина?" 

Most Deserving

A father of five won a large stuffed animal in a raffle. All the way home he agonized about which child should receive the toy. When he arrived, he called the kids together.

"I have decided this gift should go to the most deserving," he said.

 

"Who is the most obedient?" he asked.

 

"Who never talks back to mommy?

 

Who does everything she says?"

 

They're boasting about race records

Some race horses staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record. "In the last 15 races, I've won 8 of them!"

Another horse breaks in, "Well in the last 27 races, I've won 19!!"

 

"Oh that's good, but in the last 36 races, I've won 28!", says another, flicking his tail.

 

Promoting an office

A psychotherapist was having a roaring business since he started from scratch. So much so that he could now afford to have a proper shop banner advertising his wares. So he told a kid to paint the sign board for him & put it above his shop entrance.

But, instead of his business building up, it began to slacken. He had especially noticed the ladies shying away from his shop after reading the sign board. So he decided to check it out himself. Then he understood why !

 

Keep Applying

Little Suzie watched, fascinated, as her mother was putting cold cream on her face.

"Why are you rubbing that cream on you face, Mommy?" she asked.

"To stay pretty for Daddy," said her mother.

A few minutes later, she began removing the cream with a tissue.

"What's the matter Mommy," asked Suzie, "are you giving up?"

Millionaire Essay

"Take a pencil and paper," the teacher said, "and write an essay with the title 'If I Were a Millionaire.'"

Everyone but Philip began to write furiously. He just leaned back in his chair and folded his arms.

"What's the matter," the teacher asked. "Why don't you begin?"

"I'm waiting for my secretary," he replied.


Millionaire Essay
[ˌmɪljəˈneər ˈeseɪ]
Миллионерское эссе

Анекдот на английском языке "A Solid Reason"

Little Johnny walked into the house covered in filth. His Mom asked, "Johnny, why do you always get so dirty?"

Johnny rolled his eyes and replied, "I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are!"

Анекдот на английском языке "War Of The Worlds"

While a six-year-old daughter and her father were reviewing some old
photographs, they came across a picture of him when he was a captain in
the Army Reserves.

"Daddy, were you in a war?"

"Yes," the man lied, just to see what her reaction would be.

Wide-eyed, she gasped, "Against which planet?"

Анекдот на английском языке "A Card For The Bus Driver"

It was Christmas time, and the school kids had all given their bus driver cards and presents. The bus driver was truly feeling that the kids must really like his driving to be so generous.

The bus driver waited until he was home from work, and then started to open the cards.

On the inside of one card it said, "Thanks for not getting into an accident yet. We really appreciate it."

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